Yup. I fought a raccoon for a bag of Doritos. Truth be told, I would probably fight you too. Don’t mess with my Doritos. It’s that simple. Here’s what happened:
I was walking home from a party. Yes, I was a little bit intoxicated, but before you judge me I’ll have you know it was an open bar party. It would be a crime not to drink at least a little bit, okay? Okay.
I don’t remember much from that night. But I do remember feeling hungry. I didn’t want to get home and heat up food or anything, which is why my eyes sparkled when I saw that convenience store by the gas station.
I bought a nice bag of Doritos. The champagne of snacks. So underrated. So delicious.
After I left the gas station, I knew I was only about 10 minutes away from home. But the streets were kind of dark in that area, and I decided to call my friend Jordan via Snapchat. Just in case, you know.
With the left hand, I held my phone up so Jordan could see me through the camera. With the right hand, I was holding the bag of Doritos. As hungry as I was, I wasn’t planning on opening the bag until I got home.
I was about 5 minutes away from home at this point. I was very focused on the camera when a raccoon sneaked up behind me. The little sh*t grabbed my Doritos bag before I even had time to react.
Yes, a normal person would let the bag go. But I was intoxicated. And I am also not a normal person. So I fought back.
I fought bravely (or at least I would like to think so). Eventually, my drunk self slipped and fell down. The raccoon took the opportunity to scratch my face, grab the bag and run away.
And that’s about it.
I fought a raccoon. And I lost.
I was under the impression that it was humiliating enough to live knowing a tiny raccoon defeated me in battle… but then I went to class. Turns out I never hung up the call with Jordan. So she witnessed the whole thing. And she quotes the fight to this day.
You think you know embarrassment. You don’t. Not until your friends are openly asking you about your rabies vaccination. And then you have to explain to them that a raccoon scratch was no reason for you to get vaccinated because you had already been vaccinated for rabies when a stray dog attacked you in Brazil.
It’s sad to see your friends slowly losing respect for you as they learn these details.
What I didn’t know back then is that fighting over Doritos was just the beginning of this war. After the Doritos incident, I’ve had 3 more incidents with raccoons. Yes, three.
First, a raccoon stole my donut. I was sitting on a bench having breakfast before work, and my phone rang. Since my hands were all messy, I had to put the donut down, in order to clean up my hands quick and take the call. It was literally a FIVE MINUTE call. FIVE MINUTES. OKAY. CINCO MINUTOS. I turned around, and all I could see was the raccoon turning around the corner with my donut! It was INFURIATING.
Then, a bunch of raccoons raided my camp. I went camping with my friends. It started raining. Everyone ran to their tents. I forgot my glasses outside in the tabletop. Later that night, I woke up with a bunch of screeching sounds. I opened my tent, only to see a bunch of raccoons eating our food, and just pretty much partying on our camp ground. I yelled. Everyone woke up. We all got off our tents to shoo the raccoons away. But one of them stole MY GLASSES.
I get why raccoons would steal my Doritos. Or my donuts. It’s food. They’re hungry. It makes sense.
But why on Earth a raccoon would steal a pair of glasses is honestly BEYOND ME. Which is why I am now inclined to believe it’s personal.
With that in mind, two weeks ago, I actually rescued an injured raccoon. So hopefully karma is on my side and those little devils will stop stealing my sh*t.
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