Adversity is the one thing that truly unites us in life. And being someone who’s probably slightly dead inside, I find it very easy to identify the kind of shared grievances that we as Monash University students will inevitably experience during our time at this esteemed institution. These are the things you will never hear a student say at Monash University.
1. “It’s so nice to see such a chatty and engaged group of students! I think I’m going to answer the lecturer’s next question, provided someone else doesn’t beat me to the punch.”
Remember, the only thing worse than not making the most of your tertiary education is that clear and present danger of saying something weird and misinformed and being silently judged by a roomful of strangers.
2. “These textbooks are reasonably priced, and better yet, are absolutely essential to our understanding of this course!”
Because your course coordinator would never make you fork out $300 for a textbook that you’ll only use once.
3. “Looks at those ticket inspectors patrolling the Clayton bus loop again! I can’t imagine a calling more selfless and noble than that.”
So much respect for these unsung heroes, who ensure that the delicate fabric of society is not threatened by the diabolical machinations of students who didn’t touch on.
4. “I am adequately prepared for this series of exams that Monash has taken care to schedule at suitable and forgiving times.”
Because there’s no greater motivation to study than sheer panic.
5. “Man, I sure hope the University of Melbourne reminds us again about how much better they are than us!”
Because when you know you’re the best, you don’t just sit back quietly and let your superior results do the talking. No, no. You make sure to bring it up at any given opportunity, because you wouldn’t anyone to accidentally forget, would you?
6. “I’m so glad I’ve got a class scheduled in the Science building straight after that class I have in the Menzies building!”
There’s nothing like a nice long walk to clear the head. It’s almost as good as those three flights of stairs you had to climb earlier.
7. “Oh, look, they’re handing out free food and drinks! Well, I wouldn’t want to look like I’m desperate for any freebies, so I’m going to steer clear.”
If Google are on campus to plug some corporate nonsense, but they’re also bringing along a hundred boxes of pizza, then you show up and pretend to pay attention because you’ll be thinking about all that free pizza you’ll be gorging on later.
8. “My day has been so quiet and uninteresting! I sure hope a delightful young man from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints tries to proselytise me!”
Yes, the one thing I need while waiting for my bus is for some dude with the easy charisma of a department store mannequin to convince me to adopt his faith.
9. “I’m glad Monash are bumping up the prices of blue permits!”
10. “I totally know what I’m doing after finishing this Arts degree!”
A career trajectory with as much direction as a crashed plane.