Ah, movie sex. While we all like to think that our skills in the bedroom defy common gravity, actors and actresses seem to do this a little more literally…
1. Sexy Noises
Make any sort of funny noise, whether it be out of your mouth, nose, or erhm, any other hole, and I guarantee someone somewhere has made it in the bedroom.
In movie sex? Not so much. But don’t let the glammed up moans fool you, nothing says ‘I love you, you make me so comfortable’ in the real world like a good fanny fart (even if Jack and Rose didn’t seal it that way).
2. Oh So… Clean?
In real life what we tend to love most about a quickie story from a friend is hearing about that afterward messiness, determining whether or not the embarrassing stain on the bottom of their dress will give them away to their boss or teacher after a solid half hour of evidence destroying.
Women in movie sex, on the other hand, seem to be able to slink away from a drunken romp in a bush or wardrobe with little more than an outfit adjustment and sultry smile. Hmmm, had this played out in the real world, a gal might’ve wanted to check her leg throughout the night to see that nothing has gone for a ‘run’. Now that’s embarrassing!
3. Lack of Protection
We all know that pausing to put a condom on can be… Less than desirable in a moment of passion.
It is therefore understandable why movie sex scenes exclude these slightly awkward moments from our screens, but unfortunately makes its characters unintentionally more two dimensional. A world completely ridden of unplanned pregnancy and STDs? I mean, sign me up (if it wasn’t too good to be true)!
4. Effortless Stripping
Surely, during ‘The Notebook’ I wasn’t the only one screaming “oh wha-, how is he-, oh DAMN” over my lonely glass of wine. I mean you’ve got to take your hat off to Ryan Gosling – carrying Rachel Mcadams in the pouring rain, and after she backs him up against a wall and she pulls his shorts down around his ankles; he proceeds to carry her up a flight of stairs without even stumbling? Wow.
I once slept with a guy who thought he was The Terminator… He gave me a bloody nose in an attempt to lift me up onto a bench and lost his temper trying to undo my bra. If this doesn’t sum up an unfortunate reality, especially in one’s teen years, I’m not quite sure what will.
Ryan, I’m still open for your number.
5. Shower Sex
Okay we get it; it’d be a total boner kill to audiences everywhere if Hollywood included the real tropes of shower sex.
Like if Andrew McCarthy slipped over the shampoo bottle and made it visibly obvious he was freezing his ass off in ‘St. Elmo’s Fire’? Let’s just say if he did, my sixteen-year-old self probably would’ve discovered a more fulfilling hobby than watching that scene over and over.
6. Cute Underwear
I would be lying if I said I didn’t cringe with guilt every time I’m watching a romance scene with my beau and the seductress steps out of her dress revealing perfectly matched underwear every… single… time. I mean who actually thinks to wear that under their work attire in case of the sexual tension with a co-worker finally breaking in the storeroom?!
“Is that what men expect?” I ask a friend while trying to remember the last time I had ever matched lacey underwear, or if I even owned any.
Bring this up with any guy in real life, and I guarantee he’ll laugh it off. If not, he can phone and ask Angelina Jolie where she gets so much time to shop at Honey Birdette (and to do so much laundry) himself.
7. Simultaneous Climaxing
Ha! I think this has happened to myself and literally everyone I know like, once? And even then if one party wasn’t faking it… We are convinced the other was.
Better luck next time, Hollywood!
8. Lack Of Communication/Dirty Talk
“Oh let me just take your body that I’ve NEVER touched before and know exactly what to do with it to make you climax,” said every actor ever.
9. Lack Of Foreplay
It seems that only in modernistic, B-grade ‘indie’ films is the notion of foreplay even slightly touched on, and even then it is portrayed as something ‘awkward’ or ‘perverted’ (see, ‘Lolita’).
In reality, however, no one wants a dry time (try going down a water slide when it’s not wet). Foreplay is where all the fun is at!
10. Perfect Make Up And Do
In my relationship and the relationships of many of my girlfriends there is a golden rule; never hit the sheets BEFORE an event or outing, unless the look you were intending to sport was ‘Bride of Frankenstein’.
The women of movie sex, of course, seem to be excused of this problem, still appearing as though they’ve just stepped out of runway preparation after a session in the sheets.
Where IS the sex hair?!
11. Lack Of Mess
Unless the people of Hollywood/movie sex want to come forward now and confess that they’ve secretly been finishing into hidden jars, I am gobsmacked in the worst way possible at the consistent lack of mess after a job is done… On white sheets too.
In the real world, sex involves all kinds of stains, period (whoops).
12. Lack Of Laughter
Romping in movie sex tends to take on such a serious, dramatic mood.
In the real world, sex is a little more genuine and fun… It’s okay to share a giggle!
13. Covers… Ahoy?
How do the covers just happen to work magically with the movement of bodies and not drive anybody crazy?! Or block any moves?!
14. Seamless Position Changing
Because in real life… Who hasn’t knocked keys off of brand new laptops (whoops) with the force of clumsy position changing?
Seriously Hollywood, we’re not all acrobats.
15. Extremely Flattering Angles
We all love watching ridiculously attractive people having sex, and I’m sure this includes my partner, which is why I’d rather he close his eyes during any position that shows off my multiple chins.
In movie sex, however, obnoxiously single chinned people look as though they just stepped off of a catwalk in all positions.
16. No Toilet Run
It seems the women of movie sex are all magically exempt from the ‘ooo ah, gotta let it out before I get a UTI’ dance.
One can only dream.
17. Unrealistic Portrayal Of Virginity Loss
I think I speak for everyone when I say I was utterly disappointed at the absence of candlelight and magic on my first time, especially when it was instead replaced with awkward grunting and strange bodily positions.
18. Everyone ‘Matches Up’ Perfectly
In the real world, different shapes and sizes are what makes the world world go around, including genitalia. Sometimes, these shapes and sizes don’t all ‘fit’ each other in a practical sense. This can be awkward (though it doesn’t have to be).
Bit of a boner kill to include in movie sex, but at least it’d make things more realistic.
19. No One Ever Gets Their Period
Hmmm, can’t really think of the last romance flick I saw involving the woman having to stop a sexual scene from taking place due to her time of the month.
A lot of people are into period sex which is totally cool, but we’re supposed to believe that these romantic first timers aren’t even going to give a warning?
Not cool Hollywood.
20. It’s All In Good Fun
Sex can be traumatic for some people, and by no means is it a necessity of proof of one’s feelings, despite what the movies may make it seem. It should always feel safe.
Take everything at your own pace, and never let anybody cross your boundaries!