A lot of us might have experienced having a friend who is in a destructive relationship with their significant other. In that case, it is easy to hate the person that they are with and hard to convince them to get out of it, especially if they are not ready. In this situation, I am friends with both parties involved in this relationship. It is extremely hard to watch two people you care about to destroy each other but not want to end it. Here is my open letter to both of my friends in a destructive relationship.
Dear Boy And Girl,
I have been friends with the both of you since you guys started dating, in this destructive relationship, four years ago. In that time I have heard both sides of the story about most of your arguments from you both. Not that I asked to hear, but being a friend to each of you I told you I’ll listen, I’ll give advice if I can, but not under any circumstances will I tell either of you what the other has told me. That’s the only way I felt I could give you both the support of a good friend without losing either of your trusts.
At The Beginning, It Was Just Normal Arguing
It didn’t seem harmful the arguments you guys had. It was clear you were both being dramatic and starting fights about nothing. If I had been either of you I would’ve ended the relationship after a few months since there was more fighting than loving. It seemed ridiculous that you guys would put up with each other because your fights stemmed from bullshit. I honestly thought it wouldn’t last long because I thought you’d both be smart enough to know it was going to be a destructive relationship with all the arguing.
Then I Witnessed The Arguing Rather Than Hearing About It
It started to become the same routine when hanging out with you guys and your destructive relationship. We had a tradition on going for walks at night around the block to just talk about anything. But now when you guys were arriving, Girl you would be pissed at Boy. As soon as we would start walking, you would distance yourself four feet back behind us because you were so mad. You’d throw rude comments at him and I tried to calm you down, asked you to come closer to us. When I looked at you Boy, you’d just shrug your shoulders and say you didn’t understand why she was mad.
But Girl I’m not calling you out here, I know Boy is not innocent in this situation. I know an argument did happen and he was playing it off because I’m the company. I came to the conclusion that you’re both at fault here. I just didn’t see it from the beginning, I won’t pick a side either. I just wanted to have a good time with you both but you’re always fighting.
I Finally Spoke Up
Eventually, this became a usual thing and I was nervous that you guys would think I wasn’t a good friend if I pointed out the effects of your destructive relationship. I told you that if you guys were going to argue the whole time we went bowling than to just take me home because I just wanted to have a good time with you both.
To my surprise, you guys stopped fighting. And it did turn into a good night, that’s when I realized that you guys must’ve cared about our friendship because you were able to put your differences aside.
The Arguing Turned Physical
When you guys would confide in me separately about your fights, it was no longer just about arguments. It turned out it was getting physical between you two. You guys had been together a couple of years at this point and it was clear it was only getting worse. It started with phones being thrown in toilets to pushing each other around, hard.
How could either of you think this was okay? At this point, you guys lived with each other, worked together to create a life for yourselves, but tore each other down in the process. But you guys still couldn’t seem to let each other go. It was clear you were both in too deep with your feelings and your lives have intertwined with each other far too much for either of you to just walk away.
The Fight I Witnessed
One night, I was back home from school and we were all supposed to get together to meet at a bar to catch up. Girl that is when you texted me to get you because Boy and you were fighting and it had gotten physical again. I had never seen you guys physically hurt each other before, but I cared about you both and went to separate you two.
Girl, you were in the middle of a complete mental breakdown. This destructive relationship had reached it’s, what I thought, breaking point. Crying, glaring at Boy telling me how much you hated him. I asked you to leave the room so I could ask Boy his side of the story. Boy had cheated on you months ago and, while you chose to stay with him, you couldn’t get over it. Tearing each other down with rude comments, getting each other riled up until someone threw a hand and the other person responded with shoving.
Then Girl, when you came back in you were still so mad at him that you lunged towards him and he dodged. But then I saw look in his eye at how angry he was at you for trying to hit him, his fists curling. This was both of you; it wasn’t one person’s fault here. You guys got so angry with each other, you’d rile each other up until one of you resorted to violence, then it escalated from there, and that is not how love should be.
First, Girl I brought you outside and told you that I thought you should leave. I was willing to drive you two hours to your mom’s house in a different state, but you needed to separate yourself from Boy as soon as possible. I told you if you didn’t do it now you were never going to and begged you to listen to me. But you kept crying, yelling how much you hated him, how mad you were, and that you weren’t leaving.
Then I spoke to you Boy and you seemed to listen to me better. I told you to leave because you guys weren’t good for each other anymore. You said you would but she wasn’t going to be happy about that. I offered to take her out to the bar and you could pack up your things while we were out. You said okay, you were willing.
But then I told you the plan Girl and the anger on your face turned to complete and utter fear at the thought of Boy leaving. You walked into the room and asked Boy, frightenedly, if he was leaving. And he said to you that you weren’t going to get over your argument. That you had lingering resentful feelings towards him, which was true. And that you weren’t going to let it go so he had to leave. That’s when you asked him, “Do you want to leave?”
Boy hesitated, then he told her no he didn’t want too. She made him say it again and again everytime he tried to explain why he was going too. I couldn’t do anything about this. An hour ago, not even, they were at each other’s throats, now they were afraid of separating.
By the end of the night, you guys sat down on the bed and couldn’t make eye contact with me. I told you I was going to leave and if you guys didn’t get out of this now that you never would. Funny how an hour ago you guys were ready to lunge at each other out of hate, but now that you guys needed to separate you were paralyzed.
But you guys knew I was right because I saw the shame in your eyes. You knew what each other was choosing, how bad your relationship had gotten, but you didn’t want to leave each other. I told you guys it wasn’t going to stop, that I loved you both and that’s the reasons I was being so brutally honest. You guys told me you understood and that I was being a good friend, but neither of you were going to leave. So I did.
It’s been almost a year from that incident, I haven’t heard of things getting that bad between you again but I also don’t want to hear it. I just know that you guys need to find your own independence from each other. You’re so attached, you’ve hurt each other so much, you make each other’s lives so difficult and I just want both of you to be happy.
This is my open letter that one day you guys will realize what a destructive relationship you both are in. That you will find happiness with other people because no matter what, you guys will keep falling into those dark pits in your relationship. I am just me, I can’t force you guys to break up. But I can hope that you guys figure it out on your own, that you two bring out the worst in each other.