Dealing with someone becoming an ex boyfriend is a trying experience. You feel alone and you aren’t exactly sure what to do with yourself. Someone you’ve known and cared about for so long has suddenly disappeared, and all you can do is write about it.
When we first got together, I was a child. A 15-year-old has no business messing around with an 18-year-old, but we managed. Although the relationship was unconventional, it worked. It actually worked really well for a while. You graduated high school later that year but you stayed in the area and waited for me to graduate too. We still spent our Sundays together and you’d have dinner with my family every week. The beginning was so good that I was not prepared for what would come next.
Almost a year and a half in I started noticing things. We had never really fought before, but suddenly every little thing seemed to be a problem. Our Sunday hangouts got shorter and less frequent, but we still texted as much as we could. You had your own demons, and I knew you did, but what I didn’t know is that would be the slippery slope that our relationship fell down. Through sleepless nights and endless fights, I slowly started to realize that you were lashing out at me because of it. I tried to help, I really did, but quite honestly I didn’t understand. We broke up for a short amount of time during my senior year of high school and it was weird to call you my ex boyfriend, but ultimately we got back together for another year after that. Time and time again I told myself that it would get better, but the truth is it only got worse. You began to use “I love you” as a way to possess me, and the threats of suicide to make sure I wouldn’t leave on my own terms.
Soon I was off to college and to our dismay, it was not close to home. We stayed together throughout my first semester; through your infidelity and months of emotional abuse. We decided we should talk when I came home from winter break and you told me you’d found someone else you were interested in. You said that it would take some time to decide who you wanted. I was so hooked and overpowered that I didn’t have to courage to stand up for myself and prove that I was not someone’s second choice. All of the history we had and you couldn’t automatically choose me? It wasn’t until you said a few certain words that it finally clicked.
“I can do whatever I want to you because you aren’t going to leave me.”
That was it. I told you to turn on the car and take me home, that I was done with everything and most importantly done with you. I told you not to contact me and even deleted your number for a while. You were officially my ex boyfriend.
I will admit that you still affect me. Not in an “I’m still in love with you” way but in an emotional and trying way. A way in which an ex boyfriend should not affect you. The abuse left a mark that is fading extremely slowly. I still have issues with trust, with feelings, and with physicality. And it’s all your fault.
But truly, thank you. Although you treated me so horribly, I learned who I was through our relationship. I will never let someone push me around like you did. Although your emotional abuse affected how I entered and maneuver my current relationship, you showed me every red flag in the book and exactly how I do not want to be treated. And because of you, I will know exactly if my next boyfriends should become my ex boyfriend.