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Alcohol: If Different Types Were People

Alcohol: If Different Types Were People

Being blackout on multiple occations per week definitely is not healthy, but it is fun. Here is an open letter to my drunk self when im blacked out.

Vodka, tequila, fireball, wine, beer or champagne; we all have our alcohol preference and they all have their own effects. Tequila’s an upper, beer gets you bloated and wine is classy. If different types of alcohol were people, this is who they’d be.

Alcohol Vodka Vicky

“This vodka tastes like I’ll be texting you later.” Seriously Vicky, not again. Vodka Vicky is that one friend who just wants to drink her problems away. You can find Vicky vibing in the corner sipping on her vodka cran. She’s pumped to get her night started with the girls until she has just had one too many to drink. She is consistently checking her phone for that one notification she is waiting for but will never get.

Vodka Vicky: “Guys doesn’t Jack from Apple Sigma Pi look so good tonight.”


Friend: “No Vicky, he definitely has a girlfriend.”

Vodka Vicky: “Why don’t any boys like me.”

Friend: “Vicky are you serious, what do you mean? He has a girlfriend. Anyways, look Brian from Sigma Chick-fil-a is so into you. He’s been staring at you all night.”


Vodka Vicky: “No, boys don’t like me.”

Friend: “Vicky, stop. I just told you Brian is so into you.”

As you can see, Vicky is a very emotional drunk.


Alcohol Tequila Tina

“Tequila makes you take your clothes off!” We know Tina, you’re not wrong. Tequila Tina is that one friend out at the bar who just wants to sing, dance and wait can you guess it? TAKE SHOTS OF TEQUILA!

Tequila Tina: “Tequila, tequila, its water, its water.”

Friend: “No Tina, it most definitely is not water.” 


You walk into the bar and Tina is already there taking shots of tequila.

DJ ques Gasolina

Tequila Tina: “Guys I don’t think you understand; THIS IS MY JAM.”


Friend: “Tina, we know. You say it every time it comes on.”

There goes Tina off into the sea of people, gone for the rest of the night. Don’t worry it won’t be too long until…

Friend: “OMG. Tina are you kidding me. Get down from the bar. I’m not carrying you home again.”


Tequila Tina: “Mmmm hafffinnnggg fuuuun.”

Friend: “Seriously Tina, its 9:00 P.M.”

As you may have noticed, Tequila Tina hasn’t found her tequila limit yet.


Alcohol Fireball Felicia

“Its Fireball Friday!” LOL BYE FELICIA! Fireball Felicia is that one friend who doesn’t have boundaries. A casual Friday night out with the girls always turns into an aftermath of “The Hangover” where Stu marries a hooker and has a baby named Carlos.

Fireball Felicia: “Guys let’s do some Fireball shots.”

Friend: “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND. Felicia, were at Olive Garden. No one does Fireball shots at Olive Garden.”


Fireball Felicia: “You guys are seriously no fun.”

Friend: “We haven’t even made it past dinner yet. Why are you already trying to burn the town down. I think we just need to relax, have a few drinks, catch up.”

But don’t worry it won’t be long before…


Friend: Phone rings “Felicia what do you want, its 3:00 am.”

Fireball Felicia: “Haeyyyyyyy cn youuuu comm gettt mehh.”

Friend: “You have got to be kidding me. Where are you?”


Fireball Felicia: “Uhmm I donn knouwww.”

Friend: “For once could you just come home after dinner on a Fireball Friday.”

Fireball Felicia: “Fryydaaa Fyrebaalll”


Friend: “Oh my god, I’m coming in an uber to get you. Keep your phone on, I’m tracking you.”

As you can see, Felicia owes her life to whoever invented Find My Friends.

Alcohol Wine Whitney

“Save water, drink wine.” Wow Whitney, what an environmentalist you are. Wine Whitney is that one friend who just wants to kick back and relax. You can find Whitney relaxing, talking, laughing and drinking her bottle of wine. Just don’t let her finish the bottle.


Wine Whitney: “I love you guys.”

Friend: “Aw, Whitney that’s so nice. We love you too.”

Wine Whitney: “No, no like you guys mean so much to me.”


Friend: “Whitney, are you crying?”

Wine Whitney: Sobbing “You don’t understand I just love you guys so much.”

Friend: “Seriously Whitney, not again. People are staring. Whitney knock it…”



Friend: “Oh my god.”  

Gets up, starts hugging random strangers.


Wine Whitney: Screaming “My friends are so cool.”

Friend: “Oh my god, we’re going to the bathroom. C’mon Whitney.”

Casually runs into every girl you’ve ever met up at college.


Girl: “Hey is your friend ok?”

Friend: “Oh yeah, we’re…”

Wine Whitney: Sobs louder.


Friend: “You know she just loves us so much.”

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As you may have noticed, Whitney just loves her friends SO MUCH.


Beer Brad

“SATURDAY’S ARE FOR THE BOYS… AND BEER.” Brad, are you by any chance in a fraternity? Brad is a firm believer that “Saturdays are for the boys.”  You walk into a bar and it looks like Brad brought the whole Apple Sigma Pi fraternity to chapter. Always chugging beers and listening to country music with his boys. Beer Brad is a pretty simple man and knows exactly what his limits are but has zero self-control.

Beer Brad: “C’mon boys, it’s time for a shot gun.”

Smashes beer can against his head repeatedly until it bursts, then drinks what little foam is left.



Friend: “Yo Brad, I think that kid can shot gun faster than you can.”

Beer Brad: “Bruhhh, are you kidding me. He’s small, he doesn’t even lift.”


Beer Brad: “Yo kid. Let’s go. You’re up.”

Beer Brad loses to “small” kid.

Beer Brad: “Bro you definitely got a head start. Rematch. Rematch.”


Two 24-packs later you can find Beer Brad passed out in a bush next to Apple Sigma Pi. As you may have noticed Beer Brad doesn’t like to lose.

Alcohol Champagne Chad

Elevation is key.” Woah, do you even frat party bro?!  Champagne Chad is that one friend who is just the fratiest of them all. He thrives at frat parties and thinks bars are lame. You can instantly spot Chad in a bar because he is the only one standing on an elevated surface. Why is Champagne Chad coming back from the bar with three champagne bottles in his hand? Don’t worry he’s not going to drink them; he’s going to spray them all over you.

Champagne Chad: “Bruh, we have to wait for a good song to come on.”


Friend: Requests Tremor.

Champagne Chad: “Yooo, video me so I can put this on my Instagram.”

3 2 1… Champagne Chad explodes the Champagne bottle. Everyone runs away but Champagne Chad is still continuing to spray all zero people standing in front of him.


Champagne Chad: “That was so lit.”

The next day you can find Champagne Chad’s “lit” Instagram video spraying champagne on… the floor. Caption? “Champagne Showers.” As you may have noticed Champagne Chad thinks the bar downtown is Club Liv in Miami.



Where did they end up?

Vodka Vicky is crying, eating pizza, and texting her ex telling him she wants him back.

Tequila Tina is most likely making really good friends with the toilet.

Fireball Felicia couldn’t make it up the stairs of her friend’s house so she’s just went to sleep on the kitchen floor.


Wine Whitney is now on to crying about how much she loves dogs.

Beer Brad is definitely still passed out in a bush next to his fraternity house.

Champagne Chad is still thriving at the bar because frat legends never die.



Are there any other types of alcohols that manifest the same characteristics in a person?! Comment below!
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