If you’re having trouble thinking of ways to leave your lover, then you’ve come to the right place. Paul Simon only ended up giving us six after he promised so many more, but this list will certainly help to fill in the gaps. Some of these ideas are humorous and might bring you joy, but others are useful ways to leave your lover that will provide respectful, practical breakups. Which will you choose?
1. Slip Out The Back
This is one of Paul Simon’s ways to leave your lover, but it probably isn’t a great first choice. Leaving without telling them isn’t great.
2. Make A New Plan
This is another of Paul Simon’s ways to leave your lover. Making a new plan is a necessary part of breaking up. If you planned out a life with the other person, constructing a new plan for yourself will help you to let them go.
3. Don’t Be Coy
It’s best not to beat around the bush when breaking up because it will only create more hurt feelings. So don’t be coy, be clear and committed to trying to make a clean break.
4. Just Get Yourself Free
I’m not sure what precisely Paul meant with this one, but it’s true that if you feel trapped, it’s best to do whatever makes you feel free again.
5. Get On The Bus
Public transportation is a useful tool in breaking up. If the conversation just keeps going on and you don’t happen to have a ride, taking the bus is a good way to get out of there as soon as possible. Trains and taxis also work.
6. Don’t Discuss Much
Some people want you to explain every little detail to them about why you want to leave, but that’s not always healthy or easy. Sometimes, it’s best to be concise because it will give you a cleaner break. This might seem heartless, but dragging it out can actually hurt a lot more.
7. Drop Off The Key
This is one of the best ways to leave your lover if your breakup has already been dragging out for a while. If your attempts to break up just aren’t working, try dropping off the key to demonstrate that you are done.
8. Blast Duran Duran
This is especially effective if your lover doesn’t like Duran Duran, but drowning them out with “Hungry Like The Wolf” is sure to piss them if you do it on repeat. Blasting music isn’t the best one of the ways to leave your lover, but it would certainly be entertaining. You could also blast Duran Duran before or after your breakup, just for yourself.
9. Stop Making Up For What You Lack
If your relationship made you feel lacking in any way, you probably tried to overcompensate in another behavior, characteristic, et cetera in order to make up for it. Don’t do this. In fact, this might be the reason you want to break up. You deserve to be accepted for what you are, and you don’t have to continue to overcompensate or overextend yourself.
10. Go Out To Sea
If you’d like to commit to a life on the sea as a sailor or fisherman, know that this is an effective choice. Another one of the ways to leave your lover would just be moving overseas, flying overseas, etc. I kind of like the life of a sailor idea though; it’s a very romantic way to break up.
11. Do It In Your Favorite Corduroy
Wearing something comforting can help to give you the strength to follow through. Dressing for the occasion is one of the best ways to leave your lover.
12. Whatever They Say, Disagree
Being argumentative will help them realize that you’re a shitty person who they are better off without. You can, of course, be respectful about how you disagree. I recommend doing so kindly because if you never agree on anything anymore, in a respectful way or otherwise, it can feel like a good time to separate.
13. Break The Trust
Also known as cheating. Don’t do this. If you did do this already, maybe consider breaking up. Building trust back up is extremely difficult and will take a lot of TLC over the years (“No Scrubs” and tender loving care alike). If someone else broke your trust, the same thing is true. You need to be 100% sure that this is the relationship for you if you choose to stay after breaking the trust.
14. Refuse To Touch
Relationships generally need affectionate touch in order to flourish. If you just stop touching, you’ll start to feel really far apart. A good reason to break up is feeling really far apart and not feeling like you can get back to togetherness. You’re welcome.
15. Get A New Degree
If you’re thinking of going back to school, you can do that in a place they don’t want to move to, or say you will need the time and energy to focus on your studies. This is one of the best ways to leave your lover because you are also starting a new chapter of your life that might advance your career. Go you!
16. Let Them Be
Instead of trying to make up after a fight, you could just let your partner be. This would be cruel in some situations, but if the ‘fight’ was already about breaking up, it’s okay to just let them be. At least, for a while. You can always get closure later if that feels healthy to you.
17. Don’t Call Back
Probably not the best of the ways to leave your lover. It’s kind of a dick move. However, if you already tried to break up and they keep calling and calling you, it’s okay not to pick up. Send them a little “I need space” text if you don’t want to totally drop off the face of the planet.
18. Start Charging A Fee
Start splitting costs more and more evenly. Ask them for gas money, food money, date money, whatever. This isn’t a great way to leave your lover, and it won’t work if you already split costs, but they’ll certainly notice a difference if you used to be generous and then you stopped. Also, notice if you’ve been doing this unconsciously. It might be a sign you are done sharing your time.
19. Find A Decoy
This isn’t the best of the ways to leave your lover, but it could be entertaining. You could do this one of two ways: find someone to act as the ‘love of your life or find someone you think would actually be really great for your partner and start inviting them to hang out all the time. When they start to really get along, pull the rug out from under them and break up! They might be grateful that they can now explore this new relationship with the great person you set them up with.
20. Start Living Out Of A Van
Not everyone wants to date a nomad. Also, it’s hard to have two people live out of a van, especially if you choose a small one. Maybe this is something you’ve always wanted to do and you’ve just been putting it off. Choose today, friend. Choose you.
21. No Need To Cuss
It’s best not to be a total asshole when breaking up with someone. Whichever of the multitude of ways you leave your lover, try to do it without cussing them out. They deserve that, don’t they? Even if you kind of hate them at this point.
22. Act On Your Hunch
If you’ve been feeling like you need to break up for a while, you should do so. Trust your gut.
23. Do It Before You Crack
It’s best to leave before you become a monster. If you’re unhappy, don’t wait until it’s unbearable. Just get out of there.
24. Do It On Your Knee
This might be confusing because proposals are also done on the knees, but if you are literally pleading with them to leave, doing so on your knees adds a nice dramatic flair to the situation. Not the best of the ways to leave your lover, but fun for actors, I suppose.
25. Do It Over Coffee Or Tea
A breakup done over beverages is probably one of the best ways to leave your lover in a public setting. You grab a drink, have your convo, and head out. Short and sweet!
26. Move To Cannes
Who wouldn’t want to move to the French Riviera? It’s a great place for you to heal from this breakup and explore a new place. Take yourself on a little getaway, or find a way to move there for as much time as possible. The world is your oyster.
27. Act To Annoy
Purposely annoying your partner isn’t the kindest way to facilitate a breakup, but it can certainly help. I think the better thing to do is to notice if one or both of you is already getting particularly annoyed with one another. Although there can be many reasons, such as stress, it could be an indicator that you are ready to break up.
28. Tell Them What You Foresee
Tell them what you picture happening if you stay together. Tell them you see it getting messy. Tell them it isn’t what you want.
29. Kindness Is A Plus
Breaking up kindly is hard in some situations because some people are too nice, and some people don’t understand that you’re breaking up if you are nice about it. Still, kindness is always a plus.
30. Take Them To Brunch
You could break up like Summer and Tom in (500) Days Of Summer: over pancakes! What an awkward breakup scene that was. If you choose this option, maybe do it at home rather than in a public place. A bit easier.
31. Say “I Need To Focus On Me”
Making a break up about yourself is one of the best ways to leave your lover.
32. Say “Please Let Me Be”
Asking for space after a breakup is a good way to help finalize the separation, and is the best one of the ways to leave your lover for good.
33. Say “I Feel Way Off Track”
This is another of the ways to leave your lover that makes it about you and your needs. If you need to figure your life out because you got lost, doing so alone is a healthy choice for you.
34. Say “I’m Your Biggest Fan”
Breakups can be amicable. Separating from someone you love is just as valid as leaving someone you don’t, or someone you actively dislike.
35. Buy A Sex Toy
If you or your lover feels particularly attached to each other sexually, replacing the other person with a sex toy could help you to break off an unhealthy union. Buy one for yourself to help you detach more naturally from a difficult bond. I wouldn’t recommend buying one for your partner because they might want to choose one for themselves, but if they beg for you to stay and dick down, perhaps you can suggest they get one.
36. Leave After They Plea
If you already decided to leave, don’t let them convince you to stay. It isn’t healthy for either of you.
37. Don’t Make A Fuss
Breaking up doesn’t have to be a huge deal. Just have a conversation. Accept the emotions that come. Part ways like adults.
38. Explain How The Relationship Is A Crutch
If your relationship is enabling bad behaviors in one or both partners, it’s best to separate. It might be helpful to talk about the unhealthy patterns that you developed together, too. This could help you both avoid these patterns in the future.
39. Tell Them “The Future, I Just Can’t See”
If you don’t see a future with this person, do you want to continue to date them? Has the relationship run its course? Are you staying out of fear?
40. Start To Fill Your Pack
Maybe you find yourself in the middle of a fight you’ve had a million times and you are just so over it. Start packing! Put your stuff in a bag, and get out of there. Say “I’m leaving,” and then actually leave.
41. Tell Them You Need Two To Be Three
If you realized that you need to be in an open or poly relationship and they don’t want that, you shouldn’t have to deny that part of you. Pursue those ethically poly dreams of yours on your own.
42. Find A New Clan
If you and your partner have the same friend group, it would be a healthy choice to find a new group to hang with. Maybe not forever, but at least for now.
43. Start Acting Suss
Don’t do this, but you could do this. They might notice the change in character and dislike it.
44. Explain How The Relationship Brings No Glee
If the person who used to make you happy no longer does, it’s okay to cut your losses.
45. Become A Cowboy
Commit to the ways of the wild west. Tell your partner you need to herd cows and stop bandits, and to do it on your own.
46. Fall Out Of Touch
If you are long-distance with your partner, you could simply lose touch. Not the best of the ways to leave your lover, but honestly, it happens.
47. Do Something They ‘Can’t Believe’
Make a life choice that they told you not to and you’ve always wanted to. They won’t like it, but it will have been for you, and that’s important.
48. Just Leave
If you made it to number 48 of the ways to leave your lover, I think it’s time to just leave. Do it.
49. Remain Deadpan
Show absolutely no emotion while breaking up. They will never want to see you again. They might think that you have become a robot.
50. Award Them A Plaque
A fun and pithy way to break up is to award your ex for putting up with you for all those days, weeks, years, whatever. They’ll have something silly to remember you and your faults by.
Which of these 50 ways to leave your lover will you employ? Let us know if it was as simple as Paul Simon promised it would be!
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